On its release in December 2023, “The Family Plan” became the most-watched film in the history of Apple TV+, a record broken a year later by “Wolfs,” also a bad movie. The success of that truly bland piece of filmmaking has brought us to the launch of “The Family Plan 2,” an even-worse study in lazy filmmaking, aggressively unfunny clichés, and bland action sequences. It’s such a non-movie that it actually becomes difficult to review because there’s so little to hold onto that it dissipates from memory while you’re watching it. There are no laughs. The plot is inane. The action choreography is insulting. It is such a lifeless piece of product creation (not filmmaking) that even writing about it feels like a waste of time, much less watching it.
Director Simon Cellan Jones returns for his third consecutive film with Mark Wahlberg (“Arthur the King” was crammed in the middle of what is now “The Family Plan” franchise) as Dan Morgan, who we learned in the first film was not just an ordinary car salesman in Buffalo. At least the first film had a place in the surprisingly popular genre of “ordinary dad assassin,” but that “Nobody”-esque twist (or “True Lies” for Gen X-ers) is gone here, and nothing of substance has replaced it. Everyone in Dan’s life knows he used to be a killer who worked for his evil father. Dad is dead now, and Dan works as a security specialist, but the biggest problem in his life is that his daughter Nina (Zoe Colletti) is studying overseas and his son Kyle (Van Crosby) would rather play video games than hang out with his parents. He just wants the family to be together for the holidays.
An opportunity for family hijinks arises when Dan gets an outreach from a London bank to check their security systems, which sets in motion an absolutely ridiculous series of events that features the Morgans battling with Dan’s estranged half-brother Aidan (Kit Harrington) across Europe. In a manner that defies logic, Aidan gets Dan to break into the bank and retrieve something that gives the villain access to his dad’s network of assassins and his immense wealth, while also framing the Morgans for the robbery. Dan and Jessica (Michelle Monaghan, so completely wasted in a non-part that you just want Ethan Hunt to swoop in and rescue her) race across London and Paris with their kids and Nina’s new parkour-loving boyfriend Omar (Reda Elazouar). Why does he love parkour? Because it serves the plot—a sequence in which Omar jumps rooftops and what’s supposed to be Wahlberg leap across rooftops is one of several times that you’ll question if the fifty-something actor could really do that.
On that note, the action choreography has reached late-stage Neeson levels of not looking like actual combat. And, with no memorable action at all, what’s left are the lame attempts at comedy, which all fall into the “protective dad” bucket of shallow joke writing. Even the way that writer David Coggeshall and Jones use Europe is insulting with predictable needle drops (“Tubthumping” in a pub, because of course) and tourist highlights that give the whole thing the sense that it’s more likely taking place at Epcot than overseas.
Wahlberg looks visibly bored, and the kids are caricatures, but it’s fair to say that Harrington does try to bring a bit of character to his role as the estranged child who turned into a vengeful adult. He’s the only one putting in any effort, but he can’t battle a script that is so laughably unbelievable that it verges on parody.
A few examples before this one is wiped from my memory. At one point, Dan says to the family that the code word for their upcoming operation is “abort.” Pretty sure that’s just an instruction, Dan. Shortly thereafter, he’s on a rooftop when a personality-less assassin gets a jump on him. A gun is in his face. Cut to Jessica, and a shot is heard. Cut back and the assassin is dead, and it doesn’t look like Dan broke a sweat. He’s just a killing magician. It’s just one of many examples of screenwriting and production that does the bare minimum to push people from one dull plot point to another with no surprises, no laughs, and no tension.
If you’re looking to unwind and take a nap this Thanksgiving, you don’t need turkey. This will put you to sleep quicker.
