Luke Greenfield’s atrocious “Playdate” is a remarkably stupid movie that thinks you’re remarkably stupid too. So dated in its references and overall sense of humor that one has to believe it’s an aborted Bruce Willis project from the ‘90s that someone dug out of the cold case files at Amazon, it’s an aggressively unfunny movie made for no one. I’m not usually big on the “who is going to watch this” brand of criticism, but it’s impossible to avoid in a review of a movie that’s so strident in its refusal to pick a lane. On the one hand, “Playdate” is a goofy movie in which a couple of outcast children get to play action hero, which might make you think it was for little ones with access to mom and dad’s Amazon Prime subscription, but it’s also loaded with profanity, violence, and even a scene of a woman being tased by her child before getting hit by a truck so hard that one has to presume she’s dead. It’s just indicative of how little thought was put into “Playdate,” a movie that doesn’t just strand its two generally likable leads; it works hard against everything they’re trying to do to entertain you.
Paul Blart meets Jack Reacher in this story about a stay-at-home dad who stumbles into a chaotic day courtesy of another proud papa with a violent streak. Kevin James plays Brian Jennings, who swaps places with his wife Emily (Sarah Chalke) after he loses his job, sending her back to the workforce. Of course, Neil Goldman’s script is one of those that leans hard into the idea that men have no idea how to care for children, which means that Brian’s stepson Lucas (Benjamin Pacak) needing something for lunch is a challenge too great for the modern man. A kitchen? Food? What are these things?
Brian is too concerned with the fact that Lucas doesn’t seem to share the same language of sports ball as his stepdad, choosing to share videos of dance routines instead of practicing. Yes, “Playdate” is also one of those movies that leans into antiquated ideas of how young boys should be tough for their male parents to understand them, which means that Lucas is getting bullied, because of course he is.
Into this ‘90s CBS sitcom father-son dynamic drops Jeff Eamon (Alan Ritchson), who, admittedly, is introduced in one of the few times the movie made me laugh, playing catch with his son with passes that look like they break the sound barrier. Jeff and his odd kid CJ (Banks Pierce) are the alpha bros to Lucas & Brian’s betas. Even the kid seems to have strange super strength and macho tendencies, although Goldman’s script will reveal that there’s a reason he’s mini-Reacher that you couldn’t possibly see coming because it’s too dumb to predict. Honestly, you wouldn’t believe me if I spoiled it.
“Playdate” is an ugly, mean, humorless movie. Even James starts to look bored by a script that has the nerve to reference “Jurassic Park” and “Thelma & Louise” mere minutes from each other—further proof that this is a discarded project from decades ago, or at least written by someone who wishes we were still in the ‘90s. I happen to think James has an everyman humor that works with the right material, but he gets lost here, and it looks like he knows it. He ends up playing straight man to Ritchson, who teeters just on the edge of something like a “Scary Movie”-esque parody of action dudes like his famous Jack Reacher. To be fair, it’s an indication that Ritchson has more range than that part might have initially suggested in a role that allows him to be silly in ways we haven’t really seen before. He’s the only reason to keep this date, but you’d be better off just going out with “Reacher” again instead.
Now on Amazon Prime.
