In Memoriam 1942 – 2013 “Roger Ebert loved movies.”

RogerEbert.com

Thumb_zqamxwv5mxkk6w0xulw7pwsteof

Keanu

Keanu is fun, and even sometimes outright hilarious, but it doesn’t live up to the skills of its central performers.

Thumb_large_duksgz4wurypn9yyqplujgsjfrn

Ratchet & Clank

At some point, the movie has to rely on the things at which it previously poked fun.

Other Reviews
Review Archives
Thumb_xbepftvyieurxopaxyzgtgtkwgw

Ballad of Narayama

"The Ballad of Narayama" is a Japanese film of great beauty and elegant artifice, telling a story of startling cruelty. What a space it opens…

Thumb_jrluxpegcv11ostmz1fqha1bkxq

Monsieur Hire

Patrice Leconte's "Monsieur Hire" is a tragedy about loneliness and erotomania, told about two solitary people who have nothing else in common. It involves a…

Other Reviews
Great Movie Archives

Reviews

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

  |  

The folks who brought you "One Million Years B.C." have done it again, folks. They've cast another half-dozen bosomy starlets in animal skins and push-up bras and sent them bouncing along the beach after (or in flight from) cavemen, dinosaurs, tidal waves, snakes, lizards, giant forms of ocean life, virgin sacrifices and weird prehistoric rituals. Lizards, according to Freud, represent all sorts of subconscious erotic responses, so what are we to make of a dinosaur? A bosomy starlet? Tidal waves?

Not much, I guess. "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" is deservedly rated "G" and takes place way back in prehistory before Freud or even starlets. Even so, it's in the great male chauvinist tradition of dinosaur movies. Although giant lizards roam the earth, and neither Eve nor her apple has been thrown up by the tides of history, women are already being blamed for everything.

What happens one day, see, is that a fiery ball breaks away from the sun, giving birth to the moon. (I'm quoting from the press book, which has a way with words I wouldn't presume to improve on.) Awed, a primitive Rock Tribe blames the resulting upheaval of the earth's surface on fair-haired Sanna (Victoria Vetri) and condemns her to death. Escaping from the sacrificial ceremony, the maiden is blown into the sea by a cyclone, then rescued by Tara, a bronzed, rugged apprentice fisherman from....

But you get the idea. All the dialog is in Basic Caveman, and a dictionary is on display outside the theater if you want to translate. If a caveman comes up behind you tomorrow and shouts "Akhoba!" in your ear, for example, he means one of these things: Help, mercy, please, forgive me, greetings, or so be it. Be sure you know which.

The head starlet is played by one Victoria Vetri. A reader writes to inform me that Miss Vetri's former name was Angela Dorian, or something like that (I've lost the reader's letter) and that she was Playboy's playmate of the year in 1968. Why she has started over as Victoria Vetri is not as much of a mystery after you've seen the movie as it might seem right now.

Popular Blog Posts

A Deeper Look into Sam Mendes' "Spectre"

FFC Gerardo Valero reexamines the 2015 James Bond film "Spectre" after the dust has settled.

427: Ten years without Jen, twenty-six with

Reflections on a marriage, and what came after.

Who do you read? Good Roger, or Bad Roger?

This message came to me from a reader named Peter Svensland. He and a fr...

"The Hateful Eight" vs. "Pulp Fiction": The Devolution of Quentin Tarantino

FFC Gerardo Valero discusses the devolution of Quentin Tarantino by comparing The Hateful Eight to Pulp Fiction.

Reveal Comments
comments powered by Disqus