“Understated” isn’t a word you’d ordinarily use to describe a Jerry Bruckheimer production, but that’s surprisingly what 12 Strong ends up being.
CUE THEME MUSIC (ADAPTED FROM "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"):
Meet Annie who flips her long blonde hair She makes no sense; she doesn't care. But Debbie wants to be her clone, Spew lurid piffle of her own -- What a crazy pair!
Because they're pundits,
Identical pundits, and you'll find
They look alike, they think alike,
They like to Kool-Aid drink alike.
You will lose your mind
When pundits are two of a kind!
HOST (Chuck Barris): Welcome to "Critics & Pundits," the game where you try to guess which of two venomous, blonde-tressed scribes wrote blurbs about contemporary movies that may or may not have been used in the ad campaigns. Is it Ann Coulter? Or Debbie Schussel? Or does it matter?
Remember, players: We don't pass judgment on the veracity, taste, or critical acumen of their comments. We just try to figure out who is responsible for saying what. Ready? Let's begin. Choose A or D:
(NOTE: For this print version of the game, all Answers are listed at the bottom of this page.)
1) "Memoirs of a Geisha": "This movie, based on the best-selling novel of the same name, could have been called, 'How I Became a High-Class Prostitute.' But calling a spade a spade wouldn't sell as well to the elite, self-anointed culturatti crowd with whom a little exoticism goes a long way in excusing the inexcusable.... 'Memoirs of a Geisha' is nothing more than the Memoirs of a Whore in a Kimono."
2) "Mr. & Mrs. Smith": "Even if your male significant other is a skank-o-phile and just can't resist the chance to see Ms. Jolie on the wide screen, tell him to skip it. After Jolie dons a black pleather dominatrix outfit at the beginning of the movie, it's all down hill from there. Unless you count the part where Jolie's character tells her husband she slept with 312 men. Art imitates life -- sometimes. Her real-life number is probably a lot higher."
3) "Good Night, and Good Luck.": "I don't intend to see his movie because — except for the McCarthy parts — it sounds like a snoozefest. (Half the reviewers so far have said 'good night' to Clooney, and the other half have said 'good luck.')... [In] addition to getting the big facts wrong (about America and about the Soviet Union), Clooney got all the little facts wrong, too."
4) "Brokeback Mountain": "I planned to post a review of 'Bareback Mountain,' . . . er, 'Brokeback Mountain,' the gay cowboy romance movie, today. Only I can't. I went to the screening, last night, only to be turned away despite reservations. Why? Gay activists, gay non-activists, and other sundry gays had been camping out at the theater all day--for hours to see this movie. And they took my seat. This movie is apparently the Xbox 360-esque craze of the gay community, this season."
5) "Paradise Now": "The [Golden Globes] ceremony, whose voters are members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HPFA), gave its award for "Best Foreign Language Movie' to 'Paradise Now,' a movie which glorifies and sympathizes with Palestinian homicide bombers.... Remember this, next time you waste your time watching this vapid "awards" show that honors terrorists and mass murderers."
6) "The Constant Gardener": "That's the Cliff's Notes version of this celluloid piece of crap: Western White Man, Evil; Innocent African Black Man, Angelic. The stupid, liberal, noblesse oblige crowd who attended the screening just loved it. I guess they enjoy being spanked."
7) "Good Night, and Good Luck.": "Thanks to McCarthy, and no thanks to Murrow, the worst horror to befall an American citizen in the '50s was the dire prospect of losing a movie credit — although, since then, I suppose having to watch a George Clooney movie would run a close second."
8) "Munich": "That's what "Munich" is about -- not upsetting the terrorists. And rolling over while they attack and kill us."
9) "War of the Worlds" "People running from exploding and falling buildings, walls and kiosks covered with 'missing' signs and pictures for those looking for lost relatives, people giving blood -- these are all 9/11 references. But the message is: Don't fight terrorism. It will miraculously go away if you leave it alone and it breaths our air and culture. Puh-leeze."
10) "The Passion of the Christ": "But the loony-left is testy with Gibson for spending so much time on Jesus' suffering and death while giving 'short shrift to Jesus' ministry and ideas,' as another [NY] Times reviewer put it. According to liberals, the message of Jesus, which somehow Gibson missed, is something along the lines of 'be nice to people' (which to them means 'raise taxes on the productive').... Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity (as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of 'kill everyone who doesn't smell bad and doesn't answer to the name Mohammed')."
11) "The Great Raid": "If you love America, 'The Great Raid' is the movie for you. If you love freedom and appreciate the fight it takes to sustain it, you'll love this movie. But if you don't appreciate what it takes to protect our life as free Americans -- the sacrifices our military men and women make every day, then you must see 'The Great Raid.'... Religious Catholicism, its adherents and clerics, are shown in a positive light.... Since all religions (except Islam, the only religion liberals and showbiz types love to love) are regularly trashed on the big screen, 'The Great Raid' is a refreshing film, in that respect alone."
12) "Cinderella Man": "Not only is it a great movie, but it's patriotic, too! Patriotism and Hollywood -- two things that generally mix like oil and water."
HOST: I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Join us next time for "Critics & Pundits." Good night, and good luck!
Because they're pundits, Identical pundits, and you'll find They huff alike, they sneer alike, They smooch O'Reilly's rear alike. They have lost their minds These pundits are two of a kind!
ANSWERS: 1-D; 2-D; 3-A; 4-D; 5-D; 6-D; 7-A; 8-D; 9-D; 10-A; 11-D; 12-D.
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