The great writers at "Bright Wall/Dark Room" examine screwball comedy with the April 2015 issue, out today, called "Funny Bones." In addition to this playful piece on "What's Up, Doc?", the edition includes essays on "Philadelphia Story," "Raising Arizona," "Seinfeld," "Cannoball Run," John Belushi, a piece on relating to family and friends through silly mid-'80s comedies, a look at the progression of physical comedy on film from Buster Keaton to Jackie Chan, and an "interview" with the chicken from "Hot Shots Part Deux." Read more excerpts here and you can buy the magazine on your iPhone and iPad here or sign up for the web-based online version here. The illustration above is by Brianna Ashby.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA — Frederick Larabee, founder of the
Larabee Foundation, was among more than a dozen people involved in a high-speed
car chase that ended in the San Francisco Bay yesterday afternoon, according to
police.
The chase occurred not long after a non-fatal shootout at Mr.
Larabee's private residence, during a luncheon intended to honor musicologist
Dr. Howard Bannister.
"They started throwing cream pies at one another," one of Mr.
Larabee's staff confirmed.
Dr. Bannister (as in, "sliding down the") was one of two men
honored at a musicology convention this weekend, hosted by the Larabee
Foundation at the Hotel Bristol. Although specific details aren't yet
available, Mr. Larabee stated during a brief press conference this morning that
the trouble started when four identical plaid overnight bags got mixed up at
the hotel.
One of the bags carried Dr. Bannister's igneous rock formations,
which he intended to use to demonstrate a musical theory at the convention.
This bag came to be in the possession of three alleged mobsters, whose purpose
for the bag is unclear. Their identities have not yet been confirmed.
"They are Italian," was the only lead a witness could supply,
flipping his hair.
Another bag belonged to socialite Mrs. Van Hoskins and contained
hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewels. While fraternizing with
mostly young, good-looking police officers, Mrs. Van Hoskins shared that she'd
been "beside [herself] with worry" when the gems went missing.
"I ran into the hotel lobby screaming," she said. "Hans, the
concierge, could not console me."
According to sources at the Bristol, there is no concierge named
Hans — only one named Fritz.
A further plaid overnight bag belonged to drifter Judy Maxwell.
Miss Maxwell, always enrolled, never a graduate, kept clothing and other
personal items in the bag, which ended up in the possession of a man who goes
simply by "Mr. Smith," whose own overnight bag mysteriously ended up in Miss
Maxwell's hands. Witnesses at the scene described the contents of this final
bag as "top-secret government papers."
In a surprising turn of events, Miss Maxwell also happens to be
the daughter of the judge presiding over the case. Judge Maxwell had to be
rushed to the hospital after the court hearing, during which at least twenty
people mobbed the stand. During the court session, Miss Maxwell inexplicably
hid her identity from her father by wearing a blanket, and remained close to
Dr. Howard Bannister throughout the proceedings, although she referred to him
repeatedly as Steve.
In addition to the courthouse, the San Francisco Bay, a pane of
plate glass, a ladder, five cars, a city staircase, a freshly-paved alley, a
Volkswagen bus, and a costume shop, both the Hotel Bristol and a historic
Chinese New Year parade sustained damages.
Dr. Bannister's room at the Hotel Bristol mysteriously caught fire
after a domestic altercation turned sour.
"I began knocking on Howard's door at exactly 10:05 p.m.," Miss
Eunice Burns, Dr. Bannister's fiancee, shared with investigators. "There had been
a lot of noise, and I was concerned."
She would not admit to a domestic altercation, claiming that she
and Dr. Bannister "know the meaning of propriety." A room service waiter, who
was the only other person present at the scene, insisted he'd seen nothing out
of the ordinary when he brought dinner up to Bannister's room.
Miss Burns also lost a wig valued at precisely $25 in the chaos,
and claimed she has never gone by the name "Burnsy," although the name appears
on the bailiff's list of defendants.
An expert examined the Chinese dragon that Miss Maxwell and Dr.
Bannister dragged behind a stolen grocery delivery bike during the high-speed
chase.
"I don't see any damages," the expert deduced.
"Well, there's not much to see actually, they were inside
the Chinese dragon," a bystander explained.
"I just want my bike back," another witness, a grocery delivery
boy, shouted.
Dr. Bannister and Miss Maxwell declined to comment, although when
pressed, Bannister asked, "What overnight bag?" He then offered to give a
musical demonstration on his igneous rock formations. Bannister and Maxwell
underwent mandatory psychiatric evaluations before being released on bail.
The Chronicle also interviewed a man who'd been walking in the
vicinity and claimed to have been chased by "a horde of possessed garbage
cans." However, his testimony is being withheld from evidence until his blood
is tested for illicit substances, and it is not yet clear whether or not he was
directly involved in the incident.
