In Memoriam 1942 – 2013 “Roger Ebert loved movies.”

RogerEbert.com

Thumb_ylxcdc106ikiarfthkcacasaacb

La La Land

This is a beautiful film about love and dreams, and how the two impact each other.

Thumb_jackie

Jackie

There are two movies in "Jackie." One of these movies is just OK. The other is exceptional. The first one keeps undermining the second.

Other Reviews
Review Archives
Thumb_xbepftvyieurxopaxyzgtgtkwgw

Ballad of Narayama

"The Ballad of Narayama" is a Japanese film of great beauty and elegant artifice, telling a story of startling cruelty. What a space it opens…

Other Reviews
Great Movie Archives
Other Articles
Blog Archives
Primary_eb20081030opinion613186340ar

M prove Darwin was right

I received this message on the blog, but it obviously fits no known topic. The author is something of a mystery: "R. Crutch," no city, no e-mail. But I felt it necessary to share with you. RE

From R. Crutch:

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

- - - - -

Ebert: I am crushed. Helpful reader Christopher J. Vogt writes me that he found this identical essay, signed by Emil Huston of the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto, which was posted in 1996 at:

http://listserv.unl.edu/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind9612&L=sciart-l&O=D&P=66

What follows is a fascinating discussion based on Darwinian principles, including this extrapolation by John Megahan of the University of Michigan Museum of Zoology in Ann Arbor: "If this process were to continue for the next thousand years eventually we would create a M&M that would be impervious to the human bite. When the M&M reaches a point at which it starts cracking enamel selection pressure would cause the M&M to approach an optimal hardness. Not so hard as to hurt yet not too wimpy. However, our desire for the M&M could cause human teeth toget stronger!"

Ann Arbor gives me an ideal opening to quote Bob Auler, the sage of Urbana, who tells me 15% of the Michigan football team has been arrested this year. As a loyal Ilinois supporter, he send along the following Q and As, which regretfully I cannot use in the Answer Man:

____________
A lady in Ann Arbor calls 911: 'Someone's just broken into my house, and I think he's going to rob me!'
Police officer: 'Maam, we're really busy at the moment.
Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
_________
Q: Four Michigan players are in a car. Who is driving?
A: The police
__________
Q: Why didn't Michigan have a huddle?
A: It is a probation violation to associate with known felons.
__________
The University of Michigan team has adopted an Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
__________
The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
__________
Q: How did the Wolverines ace their poly sci class?
A: Gave speeches on their Miranda rights
----------------
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. Drive safely.

Popular Blog Posts

Why Critics Should See Bad Movies

A piece on the experience gained from seeing bad movies.

Who do you read? Good Roger, or Bad Roger?

This message came to me from a reader named Peter Svensland. He and a fr...

The Unloved, Part 36: "Lisztomania"

For the 36th installment in his video essay series about maligned masterworks, Scout Tafoya examines Ken Russell's "L...

Reveal Comments
comments powered by Disqus