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Lucy

Scarlett Johansson is an intriguing blank in Luc Besson's "Lucy," which is stranded somewhere between a stranger-in-a-strange-land action thriller and apocalyptic science fiction.

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Hercules

Dwayne Johnson tries, but he’s surrounded by poor CGI and a terrible adaptation of yet another comic book. Ian McShane steals what little movie there…

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Ballad of Narayama

"The Ballad of Narayama" is a Japanese film of great beauty and elegant artifice, telling a story of startling cruelty. What a space it opens…

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Monsieur Hire

Patrice Leconte's "Monsieur Hire" is a tragedy about loneliness and erotomania, told about two solitary people who have nothing else in common. It involves a…

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Wet Hot American Summer

  |  

Hello muddah,
Hello fadduh--
Here I am at "Wet Hot American Summah."

Wow I hate it
Something fierce--
Except the astrophysicist David Hyde Pierce.

He lives in a
Cottage nearby
And boy can he make Jeanane Garofolo sigh.

She's the director
Of Camp Firewood,
Which turns before our eyes into Camp Feelgood.

She is funny
As she's hurrying
Through the camper's names, including David Ben Gurion.

She dreams of bunking
David Hyde Pierce,
Who fears a falling Skylab will crush them first.

(Chorus)
Let me leave,
Oh mudduh faddah--
From this comic romp in Mother Nature...
Don't make me stay,
Oh mudduh faddah--
In this idiotic motion picture.

Every camper
And each counselor
Is horny, especially Michael Showalter.

He lusts after
Marguerite Moreau's bod,
But she prefers the lifeguard played by Paul Rudd.

The camp cook,
Chris Meloni,
Goes berserk because he feels attacked by phonies.

He talks to bean cans
And screams and moans
Periodically because of Post-Traumatic Anxiety Syndrome.

(Chorus)
I want to escape,
Oh mudduh faddah--
Life's too short for cinematic torture.
Comedies like this,
Oh mudduh faddah--
Inspire in me the critic as a vulture.

Ben and McKinley
Achieve their fame
As campers whose love dare not speak its name.

Ken Marino
Doesn't go rafting
Prefering Marisa Ryan, who is zaftig.

Watch David Wain's
Direction falter,
Despite the help of co-writer Showalter.

They did The State,
On MTV,
And of the two that is the one you should see.

Thoughts of "Meatballs"
Cruelly hamper
Attempts by us to watch as happy campers.

Allan Sherman
Sang on the telly.
I stole from him, and he from Ponchielli.

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