All This Panic
Gage makes each minute boldly and deeply matter.
Now for America's favorite newspaper team, Uncle Roger and Little Jimmy. As we join them inside the Movie Lab, we hear --
I'm ol' Uncle Roger, and this is Little Jimmy!
What's in the news today, Unca' Rog???
Well, Little Jimmy -- new movie in town -- name of THE HOWLING.
(Whoooo! Chortle, chortle. Siren sound. Growwwwwl.)
What's it about???
Werewolves! Little Jimmy. Mean, nasty animals -- story here -- about a girl who went OUT ON A DATE -- didn't know the guy too well -- one thing led to another -- the guy GROWS FANGS, Little Jimmy -- starts dripping saliva all over her Gloria Vanderbilts.
Holy Alpo, Unca' Rog! What happened then!
Girl turns to the guy -- doesn't know what to say -- says, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" Werewolf -- hardly listens. Doesn't SEEM TO HEAR!
Awful things can happen on a date, Unca' Rog.
Right, Little Jimmy. She said -- she'd been out on dates with a wolf before -- BUT NEVER A WEREWOLF!
What else happened?
Weird CALIFORNIA CULT, Little Jimmy. Up the coast from the big city. People -- sitting around campfires -- singing songs -- getting their heads back together. One wanders off into the underbrush -- NEVER SEEN AGAIN!
Holy lurking terrors!
Says here -- this broad who was a TV ANCHORWOMAN. Investigating weird cults. Went into one of those adult movie arcades with the doors that lock from the inside -- you know, Little Jimmy?
Two bits in the slot?
Right, Little Jimmy. Gets in there -- locks the door -- lights off -- guy standing there in the dark -- she wants to GET THE STORY. Guy says, "Turn around."
What happened then???
GUY'S A WEREWOLF! Cop comes in, blasts hell out of the private viewing booth -- they take the body to the morgue -- next day, the BODY IS MISSING! Says here -- CLAW marks on the inside of the stainless steel door!
Holy Toledo Steel Works!
There's more. Broad follows the trail to the cult's summer camp -- advice of her psychiatrist -- turns out -- WEREWOLVES are running the camp. She's not just hearing things -- the underbrush DOES have noises in it.
Guy says -- tells her -- says, "I want to give you a piece of my mind!"
GIVES HER -- a piece of his mind. Pulls it out and gives it to her. Nauseating. Research indicates -- if you're bitten by a werewolf, so long, baby -- you ARE a WEREWOLF. Legendary story -- they come out only at night -- NOT TRUE. Can come out anytime. Daytime not safe.
Yes, Little Jimmy?
What's the SCARIEST THING in this movie?
In the whole movie?
The MOST AWFUL THING in the whole movie, please, please, tell me, please?
All right -- you asked for it -- WORST thing -- you've ever seen -- MOST DISGUSTING SIGHT in the history of films -- you don't believe what you're seeing -- here it comes, Little Jimmy: Before your VERY EYES -- this movie CHANGES INTO A DOG!
Holy White Fang!!! Is it worth seeing?
Yes, Little Jimmy, in a sense, it is. Ridiculous -- yes. Comical at times -- yes. Silliest film seen in some time by the Animals Movies Critics' Team. BUT -- great special effects as men BECOME werewolves. WOMEN, too. Before your eyes. Done with -- says here -- HYDRAULICS! Sensational!
Is it worth my money?
It sure is, Little Jimmy. Says here -- worth your money, IF you get it two for one.
This message came to me from a reader named Peter Svensland. He and a fr...