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The Howling

The Howling Movie Review
  |  

Now for America's favorite newspaper team, Uncle Roger and Little Jimmy. As we join them inside the Movie Lab, we hear --

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(Whoo! Whoooo!)

I'm ol' Uncle Roger, and this is Little Jimmy!

(Arf! Barf!)

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What's in the news today, Unca' Rog???

Well, Little Jimmy -- new movie in town -- name of THE HOWLING.

(Whoooo! Chortle, chortle. Siren sound. Growwwwwl.)

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What's it about???

Werewolves! Little Jimmy. Mean, nasty animals -- story here -- about a girl who went OUT ON A DATE -- didn't know the guy too well -- one thing led to another -- the guy GROWS FANGS, Little Jimmy -- starts dripping saliva all over her Gloria Vanderbilts.

(Whoooo!!)

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Holy Alpo, Unca' Rog! What happened then!

Girl turns to the guy -- doesn't know what to say -- says, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" Werewolf -- hardly listens. Doesn't SEEM TO HEAR!

Awful things can happen on a date, Unca' Rog.

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Right, Little Jimmy. She said -- she'd been out on dates with a wolf before -- BUT NEVER A WEREWOLF!

What else happened?

(Pant, pant.)

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Weird CALIFORNIA CULT, Little Jimmy. Up the coast from the big city. People -- sitting around campfires -- singing songs -- getting their heads back together. One wanders off into the underbrush -- NEVER SEEN AGAIN!

Holy lurking terrors!

Says here -- this broad who was a TV ANCHORWOMAN. Investigating weird cults. Went into one of those adult movie arcades with the doors that lock from the inside -- you know, Little Jimmy?

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Two bits in the slot?

Right, Little Jimmy. Gets in there -- locks the door -- lights off -- guy standing there in the dark -- she wants to GET THE STORY. Guy says, "Turn around."

(Snaaaarrll!!!)

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What happened then???

GUY'S A WEREWOLF! Cop comes in, blasts hell out of the private viewing booth -- they take the body to the morgue -- next day, the BODY IS MISSING! Says here -- CLAW marks on the inside of the stainless steel door!

Holy Toledo Steel Works!

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There's more. Broad follows the trail to the cult's summer camp -- advice of her psychiatrist -- turns out -- WEREWOLVES are running the camp. She's not just hearing things -- the underbrush DOES have noises in it.

What next?

Guy says -- tells her -- says, "I want to give you a piece of my mind!"

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Does he?

GIVES HER -- a piece of his mind. Pulls it out and gives it to her. Nauseating. Research indicates -- if you're bitten by a werewolf, so long, baby -- you ARE a WEREWOLF. Legendary story -- they come out only at night -- NOT TRUE. Can come out anytime. Daytime not safe.

(Barf!)

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Unca' Rog?

Yes, Little Jimmy?

What's the SCARIEST THING in this movie?

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In the whole movie?

The MOST AWFUL THING in the whole movie, please, please, tell me, please?

All right -- you asked for it -- WORST thing -- you've ever seen -- MOST DISGUSTING SIGHT in the history of films -- you don't believe what you're seeing -- here it comes, Little Jimmy: Before your VERY EYES -- this movie CHANGES INTO A DOG!

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Holy White Fang!!! Is it worth seeing?

Yes, Little Jimmy, in a sense, it is. Ridiculous -- yes. Comical at times -- yes. Silliest film seen in some time by the Animals Movies Critics' Team. BUT -- great special effects as men BECOME werewolves. WOMEN, too. Before your eyes. Done with -- says here -- HYDRAULICS! Sensational!

Is it worth my money?

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It sure is, Little Jimmy. Says here -- worth your money, IF you get it two for one.

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