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An unforgivable lapse into tabloid sensationalism (in song)


Mug shot: July 24, 2007.

HEADLINE; "Lohan defends herself after arrest"

AP, LOS ANGELES (July 24, 2007) -- Lindsay Lohan says she's innocent.

The 21-year-old actress was arrested and released on bail for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence and with a suspended license, and felony cocaine possession, early Tuesday in Santa Monica, less than two weeks after completing her second trip to rehab.

"I am innocent ... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy," Lohan wrote in an e-mail to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, the show reported on its Web site Tuesday night.

Police found cocaine in one of Lohan's pockets during a pre-booking search, Sgt. Shane Talbot said. Police initially said Lohan was also being booked for investigation of transporting a narcotic but later said she was not.

Police received a 911 call from the mother of Lohan's former personal assistant saying that Lohan was chasing her in an SUV, said Lt. Alex Padilla. The assistant had quit hours before, he said.

Authorities found Lohan and the woman in a "heated debate" in the parking lot of Santa Monica's Civic Auditorium at about 1:30 a.m.

Lohan's arrest comes as she still faces DUI allegations connected to a Memorial Day weekend hit-and-run crash in Beverly Hills. The actress completed more than six weeks in rehab less than two weeks ago, and had checked into a recovery clinic in January.

She had worn an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet since her July 13 release from rehab and was tested daily to support her sobriety, her attorney, Blair Berk, said. She said Lohan had relapsed and was receiving medical care at an undisclosed location. Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, had no comment.

This story moved me to write a song, to the tune of "Unforgettable":

Uninsurable, that's what you are Always crashing in your fancy car Tabloid photos, so embarrassing Flash your breasts when you're out Paris-ing Media whore is a role you adore, but you're

Unemployable for picture work Unprofessional, and quite a jerk Keep the cast and crew awaiting you And you wonder why they're hating you Fear next year, you're carbon-dating your career

Unreliable, and more each day Less than "adequite" in every way Stanwyck wore an anklet to seduce Not to monitor her booze abuse You're a boor, a poor excuse for loose, too

Uninsurable, in Calvin Klein Unendurable, no sign of spine Famous for your notoriety Not ability, insobriety Pie-eyed claims of future piety, pooh!

Uninsurable, such a cliché Scourge of SAG, Double-, and Triple-A Liquored-up but not Anonymous "Lindsay" has become synonymous With pathetic DUI arrests, eeww...

See also: Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Denials Go Better Without Coke

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