Maps to the Stars
David Cronenberg's film of Bruce Wagner's Hollywood satire-nightmare turns ludicrous situations into operatic tragedy.
Following is the transcript of Chris Curveball’s televised interview last night with Ann Coulter, held before a group of high school students.
CHRIS: We’re here to talk about the new book by right-wing commentator Ann Coulter, but first, Ann, we have a woman on the line who wants to ask you something.
ANN (uses fingers to comb back long blonde hair): Right wing! That’s a new one.
CALLER: Hello, Ann? I’m calling to ask why you were so mean to my mother.
ANN (runs fingers through hair): I don’t suppose your mother has a name?
CALLER: Mildred Quaker. And you said she was mean and ugly, but you never even met her, because she died years ago.
ANN (tosses back blonde hair): I happen to know that, darling, because I tripped over her tombstone in a cemetery and got grass stains all over myself. Was that my fault? When these Quakers insist on being pacifists who can be buried anywhere they want to be?
CALLER: We’re not Quakers. We’re SDA.
ANN (shakes out hair): FDA? Are they inspecting cemeteries now? The Chinese commies have been making our corpses into toothpaste.
CALLER: No, SDA stands for Seventh Day Adventist.
ANN (braids hair): Vegetarians. Enough said.
CHRIS: So what do you want to ask Ann, caller?
CALLER: Did you notice my mother’s death date? Because it was the same day as your birthday?
ANN: Is that my fault?
CALLER: It has been a family secret that my mother died giving birth to you, and you were put up for adoption.
ANN (unbraids hair): Orphanages are part of the whole socialist agenda. Begging in the streets has traditionally been good enough for orphans…
CALLER: That’s so mean…
ANN: …and people love to adopt pretty little blonde girls.
CHRIS: Many people have protested some of the things you’ve written, Ann. For example, you said Mildred Quaker has a bumper sticker saying, “I’m proud of my gay mass-murdering son.”
ANN: Is it my fault how she feels about her family?
CALLER: Mom didn’t have a son.
ANN (uses rubber band to make pony tail): I’ve got one word for you, sweetheart. Irony.
CHRIS: Let’s see if these young people have any questions.
ANN: Good idea. For example, what should they do with their illegitimate children? Of course the word “illegitimate” is a no-no for the liberals. They think it’s Politically Incorrect. I suppose they’d like us to go back to calling them bastards. I think it’s terrible, for liberals to call wonderful young people like these bastards.
STUDENT: But nobody has called us bastards.
ANN (arranges pony tail over right shoulder): You have Dick Cheney to thank for that.
STUDENT: And why do you call Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinski fat?
CHRIS: Yes, and Michael Moore?
ANN (releases pony tail): Do you believe in the truth, Chris? As a journalist?
CHRIS: Yes, but…
ANN: Well, then, let’s face it. You’re a porker yourself. And then the liberals sue doctors to keep them from delivering babies! At least that’s an improvement. Liberals used to eat babies. Maybe that’s why they got so fat.
CHRIS: Surely, no one believes…
ANN (shakes hair free): In today’s left-wing schools, they’re actually taught that babies come out as little monkeys and evolve into human beings at about six months.
CALLER: Don’t you think you were born as a human being, Ann?
ANN (lets hair fall forward, sweeps hair back with both hands, tosses head): Are you telling me your own mother slept with a monkey?
Captain's log: eight fifth graders, one adult, one James Cameron movie.
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